I've got the snippet of one I wrote not long after my surgery that's almost 3 years ago, I wasn't kidding about the loss of time here goes...
The last few months have been interesting chalanging a learning process. I have a new hero, my husband Barry. Working impossibly long hours at work the holing up in his home office for innumerable additional hours. He brings so much resolve and passion to what he does, pressing forward with boundless energy. He does this with surprising goodwill and humor when I'm sure I should be cranky and out of sorts. Of the two I appear calmer the more moderate one, yet Barry has now acquired a more even temper with regards to work and it's pressures and disappointments. Maybe it's a factor of age, but I have less patience a more hair trigger reaction. It's a big change in our personalities and wonder why. I've noticed I am much more reserved and less able to share of myself. Regrettable really. Barry on the other hand has become quite open and more emotionally transparent. During my recent surgery Barry really stepped up to the plate. He was an advocate, partner, caretaker. With new patience and love he helped me through a brutal painful and long recovery. In my pre Barry days I had not experienced that level of partnership and caring. I was the one that was the giver-doer. As a friend of mine secinctly pointed out I was the schlepper. I wasn't raised to be the reciever the recipient . My first marriage enforced this and I, just kept asking not how high but how long. My friend and teacher pointed to me and stated that I was a schlepper and I needed to learn to become a pointer. "what do you want to be for the rest of your life a schlepper or a pointer". As a couple we have come to the height of our power, as individuals we continue to grow. Intuitively one would think that was askew. I think we were both ready to grow but starting at different points. As a young wife and mother it was all about everything/ one else, I didn't know who or what I was or wanted. I didn't have a single adult expereiance it was from my fathers home to my husbands no college in between. High school, work, marriage work kids, divorce. Barry did the college get drunk, pull yourself up, throw yourself into work thing. independent hardworking hardplaying non commit kind of guy. Then we collided. Barry's strength in learning to give has given me the gift of learning to receive.
The surgery was huge itself and difficult, it had been left too long because of my non existent health care. My surgeon was very honest and very up front but I truly thought I'm strong he doesn't know me I'll bounce right. Ack this is all crap. So, I wasn't prepared for the recovery, the shock was more than physical. I had to retool my psychology and accept help, a except that I am not strong as an ox a ballabuster. I had to learn to be gentle with myself to honor my needs, weaknesses. Rossana and Barry have made the process so much easier on me. I was glass I fought the feeling the rage of being glass, the inconvenience the sheer totality of needing someone and accepting their help, being helpless. That growth was painful as painful as the 6 inch incision running from the center of my sternum down to my belly button. Accepting my new limitations after the struggle of recovery was natural as I had a view to preserving myself as I had never done before. I am high (er) maintainance and that's ok, perfectly fine just dandy. Well, it is a process. The love and support I received from near and far sustained me and bolstered my newly found self esteem. I'm grateful. My humor and health restored my hero by my side, my best friend on the other it's all good.
Living in Texas is definitely different from anywhere. Living in deep south-east Texas is? In my earlier blogs I wrote about the politics, I am wholly offended and outraged that a governor my governor would ever utter the words session. Did I mention humiliated stupefied? In my lexicon that word sentiment is blasfamous treasonous and heretical. No true American patriot would ever spit those words out. We would swallow boiling oil first. Fair weather patriots with guns openly displayed, paper tigers! My son, dad and cousins great uncles etc who served and fought for this country should never have to know that the people they fight for would ever consider such an act.
As a post script to this I am astonished and amazed that the republican field of presidential candidates sports the name of Rick Perry on its ballet for this indignity alone.
