Latitude and longitude

This morning I asked myself while the mists of sleep still hung over me in a vaporous cloud as a reminder that my nights are broken in semi sleep and almost awakened sleep  I asked where am I. A potentially loaded question for so many reasons frightening in its immensity and emotional quotient. Break it down I thought save yourself, I know I’m in a child’s day bed in a largish room in a nearly two hundred year old home that is solid and protecting. Yes, I further thought within the bosom of my family getting unconditional love from two of my grandchildren every day even if sometimes I’m not the fun Bubbie but the custodial Bubbie who gives them the look and the point of the finger. I’m on a plot of ground that even in stripped bare February winter is beautiful, with plans for spring planting while hundreds of packets of seeds await their germination fates in a room below. This ground tended and farmed for two hundred years. I have only to look out these windows and see this New England scape with apple trees lilac bushes rhododendrons and oaks maples the expanded rose garden. Beautiful steepled white church and buildings facing the town bandstand and park. The townhall, library and catty cornered another old steepled white church. Historic homes old barns and streets with oldie time names, Sweetbriar lane, Village Green lane, Old Tannery road even around the corner Lovers Lane. Again, to myself where are you. Ok, I’ll be literal I looked it up I’m 41.334140. -73.206580

Latitude longitude. Still nothing remotely answering my first waking thought. So, it comes down to the philosophical question. Time frame? Should I go back to October when the metamorphosis began, further back, or perhaps just now this moment. I do a mental review an inventory. Yes, there is more  to smile about, even hug to myself. The stabbing pain is gone, I can’t deny the ache and somewhat lost feeling that lingers. The strong need for several of my fur babies, and the indignation and anger that is still hovering especially when dealing with the government, health care etc. my daily paper shuffling phone calls nightmare. I’m semi legal now, I have my real license, an address a bank account several credit cards in my real name, I receive mail and I have a library card. So existentially I now exist and once again belong only to myself. I own an aging and cranky truck, a Cubesmart storage unit that holds all my worldly goods, bits and pieces here in my room on the I believe West side of the house. My favorite mug sits on the drainboard in the kitchen under the huge picture window where every day and every evening I see the vista of nature. Establishing myself is still in flux, plans still in the want too stage, and the philosophical question remains to be answered. I’m still in two worlds, trying desperately to close one door with finality while the other portal not fully opened to me. I do know hopefully some of what lies beyond there’s a wonderful light and glimmers of a future there. As a Yoga teacher practitioner I know to look back is foolish unproductive yet I still question my decisions, actions. It’s normal healthy to review to decide what works what needs to change and then the biggest question where are you going. To go forward I need to know where I am? Or not. Maybe as I write this I’m thinking just maybe right now you let go. Let the future take care of itself until a plan unfolds. That my dears is the most frightening thought of all. Mind blowing actually. But, it is in itself a plan. As corny as it sounds I’ve answered in a roundabout way my question of where am I. I’m here in this moment here.